passion

I love my mom but I really can’t stand her voice.*’

I’m such a fool for trusting him.

I haven’t slept…

Fuck fuck fuck.. I’m tired.  xD Bye guys.. I’m going to school

Erick’ Real feelings but wrong timing

I haven’t talked about Erick before, have I? Well, Erick is the most wonderful guy I have ever met. He is soft a spoken intelectual gentleman with a tall not so skinny build, warm green/Grey eyes and a pair of musician hands. I met him two and a half years ago at school and my friend Andy (Andrea) introduced me to him. She was like “Nay, this is Erick my fake cousin.” and ” Erick, this is Nay my cousin, sister, girlfriend and lover.”

In that time I was in my third semester of high school while he and Andy were in their fifth so they just had about a year left until they graduated. We began to talk at every chance we got after my classes ended and before his began, because I was in the morning schedule while he was in the evening one. I remember arriving home in between 4:00 and 5:30 pm. when in reality my classes ended at 12:30pm. All the extra time in between I was with him and of course Andy.

 I started to fall in love with erick 7 month’s after I met him and by that time we were so close to one another that his classmates thought that I was his girlfriend, but I never really was. I remember waiting impatiently for the last bell to ring so I could get out and see him for just a few moments before he had to get to class.

 Erick used to bring his guitar to school and sometimes he even brought along his electric guitar or his electric bass; his friends and him used to sit on the floor at the edge of the school forum and they would play and sing as nothing else mattered. Sometimes when they did that I used to watch them from afar because I didn’t want to impose, He always found me and told me with his eyes to go there. We could understand each other. I remember I used to tickle him and then he would fake being mad at me so I could fake being sad because he was supposed to be mad. Every Time I hugged him he used to kiss me on the forehead and after his kiss I usually kissed him on the cheek. He smelled like books, music, poems, freedom but most of all he smelled like home to me.

One of my the most cherished memories of our time together is also one of the saddest. We had less than a week left of school and we were sitting on a picnic table, talking and fooling around I was taking pictures with my cellphone’s camera because I wanted to remember that day. I asked him about his university and he told me that his family was going to move to another state so he was going with them. My heart was breaking and I wanted to cry and confess to him everything and find a way to make him stay with me but all I did was smile, tell him good luck and give him a kiss on the cheek very close to his lips. After that The last time I saw him was when he went to school to pick up some documents and that was our last goodbye.

Well it really wasn’t a goodbye because we began to talk by facebook and msn. I don’t really know why but I began to call him love when I wrote to him by chat and he also started calling me love or darl’n and one time he even called me baby; you know little pet names. I told him that I loved him by facebook chat and he told me he loved me too, then we began to have this little fights about who loved the other one more.

 In one of our talks he told me that he was going to see if he was able to transfer from his university to another university in my city. We would be close again, I would be able to touch him and hug him again. My imagination started going wild while hope bloomed in my heart and mind. We started making small plans like in whose home would we pass our evenings when we wanted to see each other. Was he welcome at my house and was I welcome at his? They were small plans that painted a bigger picture by then we talked daily every afternoon until late at night.

A few months back Erick disappeared, no emails, no messages no nothing. I didn’t know about him for more than two weeks until suddenly he was there again on facebook telling me that he had some bad news. It seemed that the bad news were that he wasn’t going to be able to transfer to my city because there was a problem at his university. I’d be the first to admit that I cried because every plan we had made seemed fake, just a stupid ilusion. He told me that he loved me and that he was sorry, I told him that I loved him and that I was crying, he apologised again and I told that it didn’t really matter anymore.

We didn’t talk for a few days after that, he gave me time to accept the news. When we did begin to talk again everything went back to what it used to be with our pet names to one another, our I love you and I miss you and even our little fights about who loved the other one more. I’m sorry I’m lying because it didn’t all change as how it used to be because we became more direct to one another, more truthful.

Last week when I told him I loved him very much and that he didn’t even really know how much he told me he loved me more like every other day but this time it was a bit different because after he said that Erick asked me how could I prove  that I love him, I told him that the proof were in my words and how he crosses my mind every hour of every day. Then I also asked him how could he prove that he loved me and he said  if he hadn’t moved states I would be his girlfriend now and we would stop playing this silly game.

All I could about after that is that we had real feelings but wrong timing.

Tired.

I’m sorry I haven’t been on lately but I have been so busy with school and university applications. I’m so tired right now it’s 2:59 a.m. and I’m still writing up 2 different projects that are for tomorrow or well today. it really depends on how you look at it. Two more weeks and I’m done with high school, I just need to resist two more hellish weeks of exams and over the top projects for every fucking class I have. I’m so tired right now.

I’m more dead than I am alive.*’

Ive been stranded left for dead on the curve of my street. Bruises painted on my skin while cuts show on my flesh, this is what happens when you go against him. A lesson needed to be learned with a map, made by lines crying blood dugged deep on my skin. My eyes are blind with blood, sweat and no regrets. Im not sorry for what I did, im just sorry I got caught.

I’m sorry I’m not ready to let you go.*’